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I miss Hanover I miss everything I thought it was,  the family and friends I thought I had the things I thought were going to happen.  It was like living in a fantasy world.  But really god did you have to make it end like it did...  I loved him and I loved everyone and It's just all gone..

fake

Happieness, love, peace, hope
They are all figments of our imagination...  Love is made up too be some sort of power that conquers all other emotions all evils are nothing compared to it its like a super hero in some sort of lame comedy... Peace is just something that we all know would make everything better but it never comes and even when it does it seems to come with some sort of consequence and finallly hope  Hope is the biggest fake of them all Its what we all use too keep up going even tho I think we all know that it really is nothing but without it would we really have a reason?
Happieness isn't even worth discussing

dont settle

Never get to settled because once you think you have everything figured out,  it will all blow to peices...  Everytime I think things are going good a little problem ends up turning into a granade

Regret yesterday

Although he could see the pain in her eyes when he asked her,  he asked her again!  "What happened?"  Tears swelled up in her eyes as she whispered "we all have scars,  I just wasn't strong enough to keep mine hidden!"  Her words struck him like a bullet through the heart.  What had happened to the beautiful girl he once loved so much,  the girl so full of love and life.  It had been so long since he had held her he was hesitant to touch her but couldn't reisit she was so beautiful so hurt!  He lightly brushed her dark hair away from her face before embracing her in his arms!  It felt so right she fit so perfectly he didn't want to let go..  A tear ran down his face,  how could he have been so nieve to let something so beautiful so perfectly wonderful slip away!?

Anger took over her tear filled eyes,  She was back where she was three years ago, back in the arms of all the pain all the misery and embarassment.  She wouldn't allow her self to be toyed with again.  She pulled her self away from him and gazed into his confused emerald eyes, the anger slipped away,  now all she wanted was answers.  "How could you do that too me" unsure of how to answer he stepped back ran his fingers through his thick dark hair and took a deep breath "It was all an accident"  he hesitated before continuing "I never ment, I didn't think i... I never meant too hurt you"...Tears swelled in his eyes as he starred at her beautiful face,  He was angry, frustrated that he couldn't take it all back.  Take back the very moment he said goodbye.  It wasn't supposed to be like this.  Everything should have been differn't, It was all so screwed up over one stupid mistake. He did love her, he always had.   "Trish,  he began calmly  I thought I was going to have a child,  what else should I have done?"  She didn't know what too say she just looked across the parking lot at her 1999 Chevy

fucked up

I want to be happy,  I want everything to be okay but nothing is!  My past haunts me like a ghost, I just wish it would leave me alone....It's soo hard because I hurt soo bad inside and I can't make it go away.. I don't want to cry anymore it dosn't help to cry but I can't help it everytime I smile i'm hit with something that suddenly makes me want to crawl into a hole and die there!  There are so many things I miss so many things I wish had and hadn't happened,  I love Nate but I'm not sure which is goana win.  my love for him,  my fear, or my past!  I know which one I want to win!   I want so badly to forget everything bad thats happened to me but I can't!  I have so much hate and anger in me and I don't know how much longer I can hide it!  Everytime I trust anyone and I beleive everything is going to be okay they do something so mean and hurtful and its just destroying me!  I'm a nice person I love puppies and corny pick up lines walks on the beach etc... But I'm turning so hateful everyday  all I think about is revenge on everyone for hurting me like this   Its so scary,  being so dark but I can't change it!  I want to so bad I'm so tired of faking so many smiles and laughs just to make people think I'm alright!  Sometime I just want to scream "No i'm not fucking alright, and it's all your motherfucking fault"  but I can't... I;m so fucked up.. I don't see the point in my existance anymore

peices

Everything changes for a reason but for what reason?  Do we ever truley know? Or is that just one of the many great secrets of life.. I guess my biggest question is where do I go from here?  Now that my life has ended and began again!  I feel so lost,  It seems like as soon as I get my life together someone makes me have to start all over!  I can't wait to just move away so I can have my own life that none else can just up and ruin whenever the fuck they feel like it.. I hate how people treat me like i'm some goddamn toy or something just constantly chaging me, changing my life changing everything!  I'm so lost and confused I don't know which direction to turn   I'm trying to keep everyone happy but its soo hard sometimes!  I just want to be myself    My boyfriend Nate is the only one who really eccepts me for me and not the person everyone is trying o make me into!  I really want everyone to be happy but I want to be happy too and I just can't be happy liveing somewhere where I have to make beleive that everything is jolly and I have to be someone I'm not!  Everyone just eccpects something diffren't from me and there is reall no way I can pleae everyone!  But the only way I can be happy is if everyone elseis happy!

What hurts the most

What hurts the most about him not trying!
Is that I made it so easy!

What hurts the most about him lying
is knowing I wasn't worth the truth!

What hurt the most when a girl picked up his phone!
Knowing he was right next to her!

What hurts the most about him braking up with me over a text message when he lives right next door
Is knowing I wasn't worth the knock on the door!

What hurts the most about him not telling me why he left me!
Knowing I wasn't worth the breath!

What hurts the most about him walking away!
Is knowing he chose not to stay!

He was worth everything to  me I would have thrown my whole life away just to be in his arms!  he was my everything and I loved him with all my heart!  what was I to him  I wasn't worth a few extra words or a knock on the door,  I wasn't worth the simple truth or 3 mins of his time!  Why wld he give up all tht time for a silly girl who fell in love with him?  I jst wasnt worth it!  Drummer of a band rising with fame jst didn't give a shit anymore about the girl next door!  Nope he jst picks up his phone nd texts me the ending to a relationship he filled with so many false promises amd laughs at my pain!  Sept 11th he had a show one that would make or break his band and I wanted so badly to be there supporting the man I love with all my heart!  but he left me and told me not to even talk to him I knew he didn't want me there and I never even got a reason why

how i feel

When all the evil in the skies,  blinds you and death takes over.  suffocating,  intoxicating, drowning you... and you are face to face with what you fear most!  Then and only then will you even begin to feel the pain of what you've done to me!

today

I'm trying so hard to smile,  I'm fighting the tears back with every breath I take,  It hurts so much everything just came crashing down I want to run away and hide,  to go to sleep and never wake up.  I know now the truth and I wish to god I didn't!  Knowing that I ment nothing to the man I loved,  knowing that he just threw me away like an empty can Hurts more than you could even imagine,  the only human being I ever gave my heart too not only didn't love me but didn't care, dosn't even bat an eye at the thought of never seeing me again,  didn't even hesitate to text me that its over!  Just a week ago he told me how he didn't want to lose me and that I was the only girl he wanted!  I loved waking up in his arms those were the best mornings!   In his arms!  Thats the only place I really ever wanted to be!  I love him so much and I just wish God would let me die!

Leave

I'm so scared all the time that everyone I know is goana walk away and leave me!  I'm always so on edge so afraid he's goana leave me.   Why does everyone leave me? just toss me aside like they don't need me!  I need them all of them especially Him and I know I know someday they will all just walk away,   It hurts so FUCKING much knowing that everyone I love will somedays soon be gone!  Can't i just make someone Love me,  Its hard to love them,  why is it so easy to love?  Love them all and know they will never truley love me back!  Yeah I know i'm pretty fucked up!  Just gove me a chance and I will show you1 Show you that there's more to me!  theres more than what you think you see.  give me half a chance and I'll show you show you that theres so much more

possible?

I want to be different from every other photographer I want to find a way to capture every emotion a way to make a person feel the pain the sorrow or the joy of the subject. Without using any sort of photoshop program,  I want to show the world true beauty beauty that has only been ocassionally seen by the naked eye!  I's this possible?

fuck it

I'm not really sure what people think of me anymore.  So far it seems I complain to much,  I'm not a good girlfriend, I only care about myself,  I don't give other people enough credit, I'm always pissy, I'm often bitchy, I don't know how lucky I am and sooo much more.  I mean everyone says they like me Except Jen and Greg they seem to really hate me.  I wish people would see that my life isn't all that great I mean I don't live with my mom anymore because I don't get along with her boyfriend!  I lost everything that I worked so hard for when she kicked me out,  I never had a good relationship with my family and we moved all the time I live with bill who used to be my step dad and now were moving in with our next door neighbor lauren and her kid karissa noone ever appreciates me or realizes that I actually do try people are always putting me down without even caring or realizing it and I'm fucking sick of it!  I'm in love with a boy who proabyly will never love me back I miss my mom but she's such a self centered abusive bitch at times!  She tried to force me to brake up with a guy i had been with for 2 years because she said I wasn't capable of loving anyone!  that is such bull shit especially since at the time she was claiming to be in love with a guy she had only been with for a few months!  I'm not that good of a person but maybe I could be If people would just lay the fuck off once in awhile and stop giving me such a hard time about everything

serious changes

I feel like such a waste of space!  I can't find a Job!  All I do is sit around and complain about how much life sucks and stupid shit that I always regret saying after I say it!  I feel like such a Bitch for always whining about my mom kicking me out and Justin not liking me and blah blah blah I'm so fucking pathedic no wonder why she kicked me out and he don't want me!   I need to make some serious changed before people start to hate me

cant let him go

I don't know what to think anymore!  I love him!   I know noone else beleives me but I do.  He's the only man I want in my life the only guy I've ever truley been happy to be with!  I wish on everything that is ment to be wished on I pray that someday he will be mine. I'm so scared it feels like he's getting further and further away and likeing me less and less everyday.  He's so damn beautiful handsome and wonderful.  He makes me so happy I love to be around him and there is noplace else id'e rather be then in his arms.  Love is just a feeling and emotion a thought that can come and go or stay noone else but me could possible know if i love him or not and I just wish people would stop telling me that I don't love him because I do I know how I feel and I have never felt this way about anyone ever!  He says just wait and see how things go and maybe we will be together again but i'm not dum I'm pretty sure thats code for "not likley goana happen"  all time is going to do is make it so he can find more and more reasons why he shouldn't be with me!  I wish he understood how much I cared  I wonder if he knows I would never ever do anything to hurt him or upset him i hope i havn't screwed things up!  ohhhh i rele rele hope I didn't fuck things up again

Gotta be someone

Maybe someday I will live in a BIG city not a crapy one like York more like New York or somewhere like that!  Someplace where theres never a dull moment.   I've never really been one to want to live in the middle of nowhere although maybe that would be nice every now and then!   I'm not really sure what I'm going to do but whatever it is it won't be boring.  Sometimes I wish I had 1000 a liscense and a car so I could just drive away and LIVE my life instead of being stuck here in Slow moving Hanover Pennsylvania where theres not a thing to do unless your into heroin or just lounging around.  I don't really know where my life is going but I do know one thing I'm goana get out of here SOON!  I love my neighbors and I love Justin S but not enough to tie my life down and stay around just to allow my life to go nowhere!  My life can't revolve around everyone elses forever,  I'm tired of not feeling successful!  I will be something I may not know what yet but I will be SOMETHING

Jayyy

Okay so he does have some flaws.  He drinks way too much for only being 19 and he seems to not be as confident as he makes people think he is.  He's always putting him self down.  Doesn't seem to realize how unbeleivably amazing he is. But i adore him and it seems as though he adores me.  The only thing i don't like about the situation is the damn nosy neighbors that don't seem to want to mind their own businness but i love them all so its all good.  He also smokes alot!  I mean iv'e dated alot of guys that smoke but they never smoked as much as he does.  Jay is great though he's sweet and funny absolutley amazing he's so damn good looking he's an amazing kisser.  but he's so hard to figure out it drives me insane sometimes.  We'll see where it goes :)

jay

Jay is an amazing kisser,  and he's funny as hell!  I love to stay up all night talking to him.  Just being around him makes me happy.  He's amazing and perfect!  Which scares me because there can't be such thing as a perfect person and there really is nothing wrong with him he's just perfect.  With my luck he'll probably have some really big flaw!  I just don't know if i can really be good enough for someone like him!  he's great! and he says he has to get to know me better before we would date or anything like that!  which im kind of afraid thats his way of saying he's not interested?!

NEXT DOOR

He's that Tall, Dark, Mysteryous!  Guy that every girl dreams about.  So of course I have an undying crush on the man! Who wouldn't?  His black hair and marbled brown eyes drive me crazy everytime I see him.  He's got the ear peircing and tatoo thing goin that drives every girl wild.  So why is he single?  I have yet to figure out but damn i'm happy that he is.  I spend alot of time around him and even more time thinking about him.  He's strong and confident and hes an absolute sweet heart once you crack his big mean anti-social shell.  DAMN THAT BOY HAS ME ADDICTED TO HIM!